Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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