I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
