I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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