If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
