i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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