we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize