You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
