so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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