Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
