You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
