its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
