the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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