I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
