Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
