perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
