im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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