you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
