1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
