tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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