fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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