Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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