I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
