i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
