My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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