She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
As shirtless as possible
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
