I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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