Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
