Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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