Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
