I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
