Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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