I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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