i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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