If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
