the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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