The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
