Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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