I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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