i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
