I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
