dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
