um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize