I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize