well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
