i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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