Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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