Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Let's paint friendship bongs
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
