Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
