you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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