This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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