I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
