well I can't set my house on fire every night
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
