So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
