i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
