Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
