There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
