I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
